Trudnoca

Prva trudnoća i spontani | First pregnancy and miscarriage

Moja prva trudnoća se zapravo loše završila… Pre rođenja Davida, imala sam jedan spontani. To je baš bio bolan momenat u mom životu, kao uostalom i kod svih. Desio se u 18.nedelji kada sam već uveliko trebala da osetom bebu, ali od leptirića u stomaku ništa. Nikada neću zaboraviti taj 6.jun 2016.kada sam otišla sa suprugom na redovnu kontrolu i videla zabrinut pogled mog doktora. I sad, pamtim to njegovo za mene nejasno mrmljanje dok gleda u monitor dok mi radi ultrazvuk. Konačno, kaze mi da se ne čuju otkucaji srca. U tom momentu meni ništa ne dopire do mozga, nisam svesna ničega što mi dalje govori. Trebala sam da se vratim kući po stvari i dodjem po podne u bolnicu, da me pregledaju još jednom i da me smeste u bolnicu. Kada sam izašla more suza se izlilo, postajem svesna šta se dogodilo, ali se nadam da je možda ipak greška. Od Kraljeva do Banje ćutim ja, ćuti suprug, nemi, zaprepašćeni, tužni, uplašeni. Kući se pakujem i plačem. Zašto? Šta sam pogrešila? Znam dešava se, ali čini mi se lakše bi mi bilo da je na samom početku trudnoće. Smestiše me u bolničku sobu, spremačice zapitkuju šta je sa mnom, a ja ne znam šta da kažem, još se nadam drugačijem ishodu. Muž je tih dana presedeo sa mnom u sobi, prvi put sam ga u životu videla da je slab i da i on plače. Ponovo ultrazvuk, moje nade se ruše, svi doktori isto vide. Pošto nisam ni krvarila, ni imala bolove, morala je kiretaža pod opštom anestezijom.Dva dana tražim Prepidil gel koji mi traže a nigde ga nema, a zapravo je postojao u bolnici, ali njihova nemarnost je fascinantna. Tražili su ga, nadajući se da ću se otvoriti usled njegovog dejstva. Na kraju mi gel šalje tetka hladnim vozom, našla ga je u apoteci u kojoj je ranije radila, ali on nije imao nekog dejstva, poceli su blagi bolovi, ali nedovoljni. Zakazuju mi kiretažu u opštoj, pripremaju me, dolazi anesteziolog, a u meni samo raste strah i nelagoda i tuga.Stiže trenutak kada me vode u salu, to je bio neki četvrti dan od kad sam došla u bolnicu. Uvode me u anesteziju i sledeće čega se sećam je budjenje u nekoj pripremnoj sali, hvata me drhtavica kakvu nikada do tada nisam osetila. Osećaj je… Šta da vam kažem? S’ jedne strane olakšica jer se konačno završilo ono što je moralo, a sa druge praznina, tuga, bol, nemoć, depresija. Oporavak je manje više bio ok, ali psihički težak. Stalno su me mučila pitanja zašto se to desilo, šta sam pogrešila, da li je moglo biti drugčije, kog je pola bila beba…Rezultati sa patologije nikada nisu stigli… Šta je tu je… Morala sam i rešila sam da nastavim dalje, da se borim, da ne padam, da budem uporna. To je najbitnije, nikada ne klonite. Ljudi oko mene su se trudili da mi skrenu misli na nešto pozitivno, tako da sam to ružno iskustvo ostavila iza sebe. A, posle kiše dodje sunce…



My first pregnancy actually ended badly … Before David was born, I had one miscarriage. It was a painful moment in my life, as it was for everyone. It happened on the 18th week when I was about to feel the baby, but nothing from the butterflies in my stomach. I will never forget that June 6, 2016, when I went with my wife for regular check-up and saw my doctor’s worried gaze. And now, I remember his vague murmur for me as he stares at the monitor while doing my ultrasound. Finally, he tells me that no heartbeat is heard. At that moment nothing reaches my brain, I am not aware of anything that tells me further. I was supposed to go home to get stuff and get me to the hospital in the afternoon, to have another check up and put me in the hospital. When I came out a sea of tears poured out, I became aware of what had happened, but I hope it may still be a mistake. From the Kings to the Spa I feel silent, silent husband, dumb, amazed, sad, scared. At home, I pack and cry. Why? What did I do wrong? I know it’s happening, but it seems easier to me if it was at the beginning of pregnancy. They put me in the hospital room, the maids ask what is wrong with me, and I don’t know what to say, I still hope for a different outcome. My husband sat with me in the room these days, for the first time in my life I saw him weak and crying. Again the ultrasound, my hopes are shattered, all the doctors see the same. Since I was not bleeding or having any pain, I had to have a curettage under general anesthesia. For two days I was looking for the Prepidil gel they were looking for and nowhere to go, and it actually existed in the hospital, but their negligence is fascinating. They searched for him, hoping that I would open up due to his actions. In the end, my aunt sends me a cold train train, she found him at the pharmacy where she worked before, but he had no effect, mild pain, but not enough, began. They order me a curettage in general, they prepare me, an anesthesiologist arrives, and only fear and discomfort and sadness grow in me. The moment when they take me to the gym, it has been the fourth day since I came to the hospital. They bring me into anesthesia and the next thing I remember is waking up in a preparation room, a shiver that I had never felt before. The feeling is … What can I tell you? On the one hand, relief because what had to be finally ended, and on the other, emptiness, sadness, pain, powerlessness, depression. Recovery was more or less ok, but mentally difficult. I was constantly tormented by why it happened, what I did wrong, could it have been different, what half the baby was … Pathology results never came … What is it … I had to and I solved to keep going, to fight, not to fall, to be persistent. Most importantly, never steer clear. The people around me were trying to distract me from something positive, so I left that ugly experience behind. And after the rain the sun comes …

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